TOP TEN TIPS FOR NEGOTIATIONS WITH YOUR PARTNER
By: Natalie Wright, JD
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1
View your "ex" as a partner in problem-solving. Even though you and your spouse ro partner are separating, it is helpful to consider your spouse as someone who can actively and positively participate in creating solutions to the issues caused by your separation.
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2
Be as effective as you can be. Only do or say things that are effective. Being effective means advancing toward goals which are consistent with your interests and principles. Insults and accusations are not effective. If you find that you are not presently able to be effective and you best self in negotiations with your partner, consider hiring a divorce coach to assist you in navigating the emotional issues of your divorce and to coach you in effective communication with your partner.
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3
Leave the past behind and focus on the future. When you feel that you have been wronged, it is hard not to dwell on the wrongdoing which you feel that has been inflicted upon you and you may tend to focus on the blame which you place on your partner. When you allow yourself to be governed by these feelings, you are dwelling in the past and limiting your ability to move forward. Focus your attention on the future.
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4
Avoid using inflammatory language. Speech that blames, that is critical of your partner, that accuses, or is sarcastic tends to start or continue a spiral of unproductive communication. When w react these ways, it is frequently because we are angry, or fearful, or we are in pain, or because we have been hurt. When you catch yourself reacting, use that awareness as a tool to understand yourself and your needs. Ask yourself, “Why is my button being pushed?”
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5
Speak for yourself, not your partner. When speaking about your partner, try not to describe his or her feelings or motivations. Focus on your own feelings. For example, if you feel that a particular statement is not true, express your concern by stating that "I don't trust you. I am not able to believe what you are saying." Do not state "You are a liar." The former statement is a statement about your own feeling in the particular situation. The latter statement is an accusation and may be subject to debate and therefore argument. Additionally, the latter statement does not address the real issue which is one of lack of trust. This is what we refer to as using "I" statements. "I" statements are not simply adding "I feel" as a preface, such as "I feel you are a liar." "I" statements express your underlying concerns or feelings.
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6
Be creative. Think outside the box. Be willing to look at as many options as possible for meeting your interests as well as your partner's. You may, for example, brainstorm potential options and develop as many choices as possible before shifting into an evaluation mode and choosing solutions. Remember Tip #1 - your spouse is a partner in this negotiation. You may believe that you have all the answers, but be open to the possibility that you and your partner, together, have a better answer than either of you had individually. Your divorce or separation involves some of the most important decisions you will ever make in your life. Take your time. Explore all of your options. Be open to ideas from any source. Work creatively on solutions that will move you and your partner forward into the best future you can have.
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7
Consider conflict as an opportunity to be creative. In just about any negotiation, there will be issues which are very sensitive and which will lead to some conflict. The potential for conflict should not lead to the avoidance of important issues. Conflict can be useful. If conflict is handles sensitively, it often leads to productive results. Collaboration or mediation does not imply an absence of conflict. These processes do, however, provide an opportunity to approach conflict with a positive solution-oriented attitude.
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8
Listen carefully to your partner's expressed feelings and interests. It is very important that you try to really listen to the feelings and interests expressed by your partner. Listen as though you are hearing your partner for the first time. Sometimes when you don't agree with what someone else is saying you will be fearful that understanding signifies agreement. Listening to and understanding what someone is saying does not constitute agreement. It is, however, an essential ingredient in an effective negotiation.
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9
Respect the fact that the transitions in your lives present different difficulties and/or processing for you and your partner. You are both going through a difficult transition. Sometimes the difficulties are greater for one person than the other. Sometimes one of you will have already dealt with the separation and the other has not. You will each have different needs and a different timetable over which adjustments will occur. You will each process information differently and make decisions in different ways. Be respectful of these differences and difficulties.
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10
Be optimistic! Remain optimistic that with diligence and effort a mutually acceptable result is possible. There is no guarantee that the process used to reach agreement will be free of conflict or difficulties. Remember Tip #7. However, even the most difficult conflicts can be resolved where there is mutual intention to do so.